Greatest Gift- Love

Dear Son,

Till my dying breathe, i will treasure this moment and will hold it so close to my heart.

I can't describe the feeling how wonderful and perfect that magical day was for both of us.We had the perfect little wedding we wanted (aside from the crazy humid heat) . Celebrating the day full of Joy, Happiness, Blessing and most of all LOVE from everyone!

This video of Dad singing our favorite song which was also our first dance together as husband and wife still makes me tears till today.

For me, this video captured all the important bits of the night. 

Having to see how supportive and welcoming my family and friends towards Dad meant so much to me. Singing along, supporting him just showed me that Dad was loved by everyone since the day he walks into my life. Not any man can do that my son... your dad is very special man! 

I hope you will grow up to be like your Dad. Courageous, Fearless, Funny, Gently, loving and very respectful man among other qualities he has in him. 

Growing, living life and learning from Dad is the greatest blessing and love i receive everyday my son. 

Our Love

L is for Laughter we have along the way

O is for Optimism you gave me everyday

V is for Value being my best friend

E is for Eternity, a love without an end.

-John Peter-

First Trimester- The Hormonal Mom

Yes my title says it all.. the hormonal mom!

I now have a new profound respect to all the moms out there..i don't know they can remain calm, composed and well energize in the first trimester. I do know that everyone have very different pregnancy experience but my oh my i thought i could handle mine well. HOW WRONG WAS I?

This is the time where everything got real... I had to stop teaching/training clients  and completely stopped doing any form of workout because i just do not have the energy. Mentally and Physically.

Before pregnancy, i always have this imagination that i would be this upbeat person due to my active lifestyle.. SECOND TIME WRONG! Little did i know, my first trimester .. i become someone i am not.

They said, working out makes you feel happy, energize and will have a positive outlook of life. Oh, this is soooo true before pregnancy ...so much so i thought it would stay throughout my first trimester! THIRD TIME WRONG!

Goodness me!

I struggled.. i really struggled! I struggle with not understanding what is happening with me. What is happening in me, why i am feeling the way i am and why i am acting the way i am.

From being super active, fun and bubbly person to someone who just want to sleep, tired and moody. I could not accept the fact that suddenly my body just do not want to cooperate with me. My head says get up and get moving but my heart says no..SLEEP and just SLEEP!

How i reacted to all of it?

I cried, i got angry, confused, demotivated, sensitive, lost and almost depressed. I was emotional..  the only person who can pacify me was my husband, he was my comfort/safety blanket and  yet at the same time he was also my emotional punching bag..poor husband. I would be so upset whenever he would come home late from work.. even if it's only 15mins.  At that time...15 mins was like FOREVER! This sudden feeling of  being so clingy is another new discovery i had to deal with! OH THE EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER...

HEAVING! 

Then comes the heaving every morning...OMG! That was one tough HIIT TRAINING! My abs and throat... BURNS! I can spend 5 mins squatting on the floor at toilet bowl yet nothing would come out of me!  I don't know if heaving is considered as morning sickness but gosh it's terrible! And if it is considered as morning sickness.. trust me.. it does not just happens in the morning..it happens at any time of the day and out of the blue! Sometimes i am so worried i might offend someone with my sudden "desire" to heave while walking pass them! Throughout my first trimester, i only vomited my guts out 3 times  but i think i prefer that then heaving! I find it less painful. :(

Food aversion:

I'm lucky, real lucky.. only Coffee, banana and steak. although this was something i would take everyday when i was super active,  and food that i am not a big fan of before pregnancy was the only food i wanna eat during my first trimester. CARBS! Carbs was my best friend.. morning, lunch and dinner.

I remember whenever i have my meal, my mother would look at me with amazement.. she would often tell me.. when i was conceiving your sister and brother,  i could not even eat as much as you...more often i would throw up or just not eat at all. But i am totally the opposite of my mom.. in fact i only gained 3 kg in my first 3 months! With that amount of carbs.. i am surprised i did not balloon up!

I'M COLONIZED WITH GROUP B STREPTOCOCCUS!! 

On top of all the hormonal changes and moodiness, i had swab test done and result came back that i am colonized with Group B streptococcus ( Strep B ) and Yeast infection,Gosh!!! I was miserable.. i was worried sick about my Strep B infection.. the last thing a first time mom want to hear is that you are infected with Strep B! Oh the stress of the unfamiliar bacteria and to know that there isn't much you can do except taking antibiotic ( 5 days course) and really hope and pray that by 35th week it will be gone ( that's when the second test will be taken) not very comforting.

What is Strep B?

Group B strep (GBS) is a kind of bacteria that many people harbor in their intestinal tracts. The bacteria may also inhabit (or "colonize") your vagina as well, and be passed on to your baby during labor and birth.

Approximately 10 to 30 percent of pregnant women carry GBS in the vagina or rectum or surrounding area. While GBS is generally harmless in healthy adults, it may cause stillbirth and serious infections in babies.

My heart dropped when i heard  STILLBIRTH word from the Doc!  

For more details- you can read more info of strep b here

I pray that by the 35th week.. i am clean from Strep B. 

I regretted taking loads of antibiotic. You see back in  2015 due to my first bronchitis attack, i was prescribes with tonnes of antibiotic by 2 different GP! I had good 3 weeks of antibiotic cycle! One of them gave me a very strong antibiotic and prescribed it to me wrongly..she overdosed me with antibiotic! I only found out about this when i went to my 3rd clinic and it was a CHILDREN CLINIC! The doc informed me that the last antibiotic prescribed to me was a very strong antibiotic which should be taken only once a day... but that previous Doc prescribed it to me 2x a day for good 7 days!! GENIUS! 

 Anyways, lesson learned, antibiotic will always be my last resort now. I rather not have them if it isn't necessary and according to the respiratory specialist i met today, ( yes, i am currently suffering my 2nd bronchitis attack) you can go without taking ANTIBIOTIC specially when it is treatable with just a simple symbicort puff and flumicol... 

Ahh life... You always learning and learned. So there you go peeps.. my first trimester story for you.

One thing for sure, i am super grateful to God that my husband is one understanding,patience and loving gentleman. With all the ups and downs and the drama he has to put up during my first trimester, i now realized having a supportive husband is VERY VERY IMPORTANT not only for both of us but also the development of our baby!

A man don't need to be a superhero to be a good husband, but just be as understanding, patience and loving as he can be to the wife no matter how tough it gets during pregnancy. Just remember, she will and is going through a lot during this period... creating a life and carrying a lil human inside is really one heck of a job!

Me at my 13th week journey 

The news - Our miracle

Dear Son,

When dad and mom got together, i told dad that i want to have children/s with him but i have my concern then..you see, mommy thought mommy could not conceived because during my first marriage conceiving was a never a success.... but your Dad being the most hopeful and positive man i have ever met said to me: you are one healthy woman, who exercise and eat right, you will and are able to conceived. Remember the most important thing is...we have each other, we love and respect one another.. if we are blessed to have a baby it would be our lil miracle and big huge blessing from God but if not, we have each other at the end of the day.

That's your dad son... a very calm, patience, kind, loving and responsible husband. We are lucky to have him!

Before the good came the not so happening news...

I did my first pregnancy test in end June.. mommy was so excited about this test because for some reason..i somehow was convince i am already pregnant. Some weird symptom was happening with me.. first symptom was the constant need to PEE! Told Dad about it... he told me... I might just have bladder infection! ( What a joy killer dad was!) Anyway,  i went to pharmacy and bought the most expensive pregnancy test kit ever just cause i was so convinced i am pregnant..hmmm

Before i took the test.. Only God knows how excited and nervous i was but it came out NEGATIVE! I was sad... and even more convince i could not conceived. I tried to be as positive as i could.. but sadness fills my heart to be honest and i guess dad saw the sign, understood it and said.. just relax..it will happen if it's meant to be.. i am strong and healthy man.. Nothing can stop my soldiers from doing it's job .. that thousand soldiers will find it's way.. you just wait and see!
(Don't worry son, you will produce these tiny soldiers yourself too!)

So days goes by and mommy continue living the life that i know, being healthy and fit. But for some reason, i kept getting this tingly feeling that i am pregnant. The one sign that really got me was while i was working out that one particular morning ...i suddenly felt sick, nausea and almost vomited and i had to slow down and go easy on my workout.

But because it was negative at first test.. i thought i was sick and again convinced that what dad said ( bladder infection) was real!

Anyway, I did not go to the doc to check the so called bladder infection..but instead i went and bought another pregnancy test kit (almost bought ovulation test kit as well).. this time.. i bought the guardian test kit! Thought to myself.. at least if it shows negative,  i would have not waste that much of money as a consolation from another sad news.. LOL!

IT'S POSITIVE! 

On 5th of July..i was bound to fly to Portland for Nike Global Master trainer training.. few hours before the flight.. i decided to take the test for the second time just to be sure of the test.

Son, it was the longest 5 minutes wait for me! And when the result came out... i was speechless and confused... i just could not believe the test result... It says POSITIVE! I mean how could that be when a week the test was negative and i was using the most reliable test kit in the market and on the box it even says i can find out the result as early as 10 days before my next period! And it clearly said NEGATIVE. . By then, i thought i was delusional and must be dreaming . I even thought to myself i'm just seeing double line because i so wanted to be pregnant!

I kept checking on the test kit and read the test kit instruction over and over again.. it took mommy nearly an hour to finally pick my handphone and text mommy's best friend, Aunty Cindy and when she said...OMG!! YOU ARE PREGNANT!! IT'S DOUBLE LINES! I said, are you sure?!


4:15pm on the way to airport...in the middle of highway.. 

I told dad the news and heard i said " You are dead!"

He was so confused and looked at me and said..Why did you say so??

I  got confused with his reaction and replied:  well i don't think this two lines says it's negative! ( showing him the test kit) It says we are pregnant, i am sure of it! You are gonna be a dad!

He pulled over to the emergency lane very quickly ( Thank goodness the highway wasn't busy) Dad was so excited and  LAUGHED OUT LOUD non stop for good 30 sec!!

Mommy's reaction: Confused!

When he finally stopped laughing, i asked is that a happy or nervous laughter?? Dad replied of cos i'm HAPPY.. this is what we wanted and we got it! I told you, you are healthy and my soldier will do it's job! We both laughed!

Now while writing this, you are 18 weeks coming into 19 weeks in my belly my love...a healthy 18/19 weeks baby boy!

You are our pride and joy. A testament of love,a miracle and a blessing from God.

This is your first picture at 6 weeks old in mom's belly! You are about the size of a LENTIL :D

How it all begin - THE SURPRISE!

I know this is a lil late but better than never.

I have been meaning to write a journal on my pregnancy but life has taken over for a bit on me. 

So today i thought i should really push myself to start this.. if not i will never start. So my first write up will be how this whole journey begin..

Dear Son, 

We want you to know that you were brought into this world with full of love, courage and fairy-tale kinda love story and you are our biggest miracle!

We both have traveled a long journey to find each other. We once thought we have found our soul mate but it wasn't the case. We ended up living a single life again  and thought we will never find our one true love and soulmate till that night on the 14/3/2016. It still gives us butterflies in our tummy whenever we think about it now.. how magical and crazy it was..LOL!

You see, mommy is a personal trainer and dad is an athlete. He loves triathlon and would train really hard to improve his timing and techniques. Mommy's personal training service was recommended to dad by one of our mutual friend and so dad contacted me  to find out more about my personal training services and program. How i can help dad to improve with his triathlon skills. This was all done via phone call and that's how this whole journey started. 

2 weeks after our first conversation, we agreed to meet up personally for first time at a restaurant called Leonardo's with the hope that we will be able to agree and start our first training session soonest. 

We had such a lovely evening that night. We spoke and talked about fitness stuff,  both of our fitness background and experiences so far in life.. it was such a lively conversation.. we instantly clicked and felt so comfortable with each other. To mommy, dad was such a gentleman, soft spoken, kind hearted and means no harm ( mom have met  potential clients with nasty intention before..so mommy is very wary of male client)  and to dad,  mom was a kind soul, full of life, who live life simple.  :)

Fast forward,5 hours into the meeting... Dad pops the question and mom reacted with disbelief and called dad a nutso, LOL! Still shocked at the whole sudden big question, mommy said give me 1 month.. Dad took that as a positive sign.. He said at least i did not say, NO! 

Dad's second question was : Would you move in with me? Again, i nearly had a heart attack with Dad's question.. this time i  was sure dad is crazy and was really playing a prank on me..but i stayed calm ( acting calm although i was really panicking and wondering what is happening here) I said to him calmly , i will only move in when you have met my parents. ( Mom though this question would scare dad away and at same time stop him from asking me crazy question, but what dad says next just confused and surprised me even more) He said : OK, let's buy the flight ticket. Shall we get it for this weekend?! I was at lost of words.. in panic mode i said.. no! Give me 3 weeks! We go back in 3 weeks time and the rest was history.  

19/3/2016 - We got my wedding band and engagement ring. Dad did not waste his time.. the ring was on my finger the same day! 

1/4/2016 - We made our way back to Sandakan to get mommy's parents blessing and we finally announce it publicly. 

5/4/2016- We found our perfect venue for our intimate wedding ceremony. Langkah Syabas at kinarut was our choice.  11/6/2016 - Was the date chosen to have the wedding reception.

7/6/2016- We are officially and legally bound as husband and wife in the eyes of law! YEAY!!!!

11/6/2016- Wedding party of our life! It was celebrated with full of love with close friends and families around us.

This is our love story ... our crazy whirlwind fairytale love story my son... We love you even before you were born.. We can't wait to have you with us, to hold and to love you even more! 

When i think of my past

Nothing can compare

with how my life turned out now

You've taught me the freedom of love

Given me a reason to go on and live

You've loved me because i am who i am

The doubts i once had long gone away

Allowing love to blossom in their place

into something that is spiritual,even divine.

God has brought us together

And i am glad that you're mine

and better yet i am yours

In my heart, it is a heavenly plan

For us to spend life together

No matter where it may lead

For God has stepped into our lives

He is the one who knows best

Blessing our lives as we know it. 

Antoinette Mcdonald- God's Plan