The beginning
My son birthing wasn't like i planned it to be. I wanted natural birth but God has his own plan ... i was rushed into the operation room for doctor to do emergency c section. Liam was born perfectly well and healthy boy. I was happy, thankful and grateful for a healthy baby but i remember receiving him feeling a lil disconnected. I wasn't feeling the high like how every mother's story i read in the media. ( damn you media!) I blamed it to all the drugs that was pumped into me that time..
The trouble starts the second day he was born into this world. He WOULD NOT stop crying... in wee hour of the morning. Still tired, in pain, lost, confused, not knowing what to do i already have to deal with his cries. I am lucky that i am physically strong, i was discharged from the hospital 3rd day after birth.
I thought the cries would stop but oh i was wrong. The cries did not stop. It did not stop till he was 3 months old. I was lucky the cries stopped when he was 3 months old...my paed said sometimes it goes all the way to 1 years old.....Oh it was NIGHTMARE!
Liam was a colicky baby. i wasn't prepared for this. i didn't ask for this. I was hung up on to the imagination of perfect baby, who sleeps through the night, doesn't cry, always content and happy.. I imagine i would be this happy mom, i wanted to be a mom, i am now....but why am i feeling this crappy? i just could not wrapped my head around this.
I remember very well.. the first week of being a mom.. i would sob and cry like a baby on the floor... screaming and being angry. Sometimes i would lie on floor, hide in corner refusing to sleep on bed with my husband.
Anger, Anxiety and resentment
Oh this feeling..this is the feeling that will make you feel tired, lonely, alone, sad and scared.
Imagine this.. you are tired, still recovering from one of the biggest trauma ever, lacking of sleep, head pounding and your body is in need of rest but you just can't have it and you need to function well in order to be able to feed your lil one every 1.5 hour to 2 hours, clean after him and then feed yourself day in day out. TOUGH!
I was soon filled with anger, anxiety and resentment.
I felt like my husband wasn't helping...my mom was just extra burden. No one understand how i felt... everyone was just adding to the stress.
I wanted my husband to be around more and be involved more.. but the truth is.. he wasn't and could not. Wasn't helping because he had to go back to work and i felt it was so unfair. I am left all alone to be with Liam and handling all his needs on my own.. he couldn't help much because let's face it.. he doesn't have a pair of jug for my son to latch on..the bar is me and only me in town.
Mom was the traditional mom when it comes to after birth care and never experienced colicky baby... the assumption of MAYBE it is what you eat that hurt him, DO NOT eat this, DO NOT drink that, DO NOT do this.. DO not go out... this add to all the hurt, confusion and wound that i am already feeling. i was suffocating but i can't do anything about it. I was as lost as a kite without the string, i wanted to scream and tell her to stop, stop all this assumption.. but i could not bring myself to do it. I respect my mom and love her to bits that i just could not hurt her.. i was so worried that i would be anak derhaka at the end. being ungrateful daughter is not what i was taught to be. So i bite the bullet and kept on.
and when evening creeps in...so is my anxiety.... i think of the long hours of cries..long hours of pacifying Liam... long hours of walking and singing .... and still lacking of sleep and rest.
DARK THOUGHTS
Then the scary thoughts started coming in pretty strong. The one that at the time i wouldn't dream of telling anyone. The ones that still makes me sick in my stomach.
I will tell you...
I will never in a million year would want to hurt Liam or put him in any danger or harm way......
I never would want to end my life.......
But when the dark thoughts comes in.... this is my darkest thought.. they float in my head. It sometimes gets so strong .. it scare the hell out of me...never would i want to hurt my son..my only son and never would i want to end my life ..but you see.. this is POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION FOR YOU... it turns you to someone else... someone who is not you... you know it's not you but you can't help it... you can't control it.. it just come and sit on you like a dark clouds... super heavy dark clouds and you just pray that the dark clouds will be blown away ASAP.
I HATE MYSELF FOR IT.. HOW CAN I THINK OF THIS THOUGHT?? i would cry and be so angry again.
I get angry at everything and everyone ( hub and mom in my case) .. but the truth is.. i am angry at myself for feeling the way i feel and have this thought.. i asked myself.. why can't i get a grip of myself? I know myself.. i know i would never do this hurtful thing.. but why am i feeling like this? Why do i even think about it..i am awful mom....
I remember it got so bad at one point.. i left home and Liam to mom and stayed in the hotel a night.. i needed the time alone.. i needed the time away from all the negativity.. i needed to feel like myself again... be normal.. i crave to be normal again... and this was the only way i could think of... to be alone.
unfortunately this act i did.. haunt me till now... my husband do not understand why i did what i did... he still says i run away from my responsibility. I wish sometimes.. husbands goes thru what we mom goes thru..then maybe..just maybe they will understand how it feels like.
HELPLESS
Month of Sept to nov was the toughest month for me... I was stressed out, i was sick non stop, i was in desperate need to get out of the rut ... the feeling of helpless, lost, angry, resentment , all alone and lonely.
I was worried about my job, i was worried on how i am as a mom.. i was constantly feeling guilty,lost, confused i was OVERWHELMED.....
With having not much help, people to speak to or who could really understand my situation.. i decided to stop working. I can't leave Liam , i can't rewind the time... what is the only way i can do to take charge of my life again i asked myself. WORK.. WORK is the only thing that i could control that time...Stop updating my page, not working out..stop overwhelming myself with everything.
Lights, i see them ...
I started spending time with Liam..i was scare and nervous to be honest with you. I still think that i am the crappiest mom ever but i told myself..i got to do this. I need to feel connected to my son... i am craving for it ... i know i am.
So month of Dec till March... it was me and liam time.. i sometimes get to do things that makes me happy and alive.. my paintings..
To my surprise, i am tired but i am grounded, i am sane and i can think straight.. the dark thoughts does not linger anymore in my head... i am starting to feel like myself again.. i am much happier and in better place.
If i could turn back time...this is what i would do.
1- Hire a Confinement lady to care for me during my first 1 month of post natal. Less stress i think.
2- Prep myself better and do a reality check all the time.
3- not overwhelmed myself with work.
4- take the stride of being a mom one step at a time..
5- communicate better with my husband on how i really want his help
6- Have my mom to chill a lil with being a super grandma.
7- Talk... Talk to anyone.. Let it all out and not afraid of being judge.... because POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION IS REAL and it is not JUST THE HORMONES it's wayyyy bigger than that!
I do still get sad, hurt when i think of my first few months of life as a mom...how disconnected i was with everything... but today there is a sense of hope and new freedom in my brain and i hope when the dark clouds ever comes back.. i hope and pray that i know how to handle them better.
To all the moms out there, please do know that you are not alone. Reach out.. Speak out and do not be afraid. If someone judge you.. let them fool be. You just be strong and go from strength to strength for you, your lil one and family.
Love,
Em
