My lonely walk with Post partum Depression

This is a nightmare for me to write. There is no easy way to start this. I want to write from my heart and i also need to protect the privacy of my family and my sweet son's life. But there is no way i can do that if i want to share this dark road that i went through all alone .

The beginning

My son birthing wasn't like i planned it to be. I wanted natural birth but God has his own plan ... i was rushed into the operation room for doctor to do emergency c section. Liam was born perfectly well and healthy boy.  I was happy, thankful and grateful for a healthy baby but i remember receiving him feeling a lil disconnected. I wasn't feeling the high like how every mother's story i read in the media. ( damn you media!) I blamed it to all the drugs that was pumped into me that time.. 

The trouble starts the second day he was born into this world. He WOULD NOT stop crying... in wee hour of the morning. Still tired, in pain, lost, confused, not knowing what to do i already have to deal with his cries. I am lucky that i am physically strong, i was discharged from the hospital 3rd day after birth. 

I thought the cries would stop but oh i was wrong. The cries did not stop. It did not stop till he was 3 months old. I was lucky the cries stopped when he was 3 months old...my paed said sometimes it goes all the way to 1 years old.....Oh it was NIGHTMARE!

Liam was a colicky baby. i wasn't prepared for this. i didn't ask for this. I was hung up on to the imagination of perfect baby, who sleeps through the night, doesn't cry, always content and happy.. I imagine i would be this happy mom, i wanted to be a mom, i am now....but why am i feeling this crappy? i just could not wrapped my head around this. 

I remember very well.. the first week of being a mom.. i would sob and cry like a baby on the floor... screaming and being angry. Sometimes i would lie on floor, hide in corner refusing to sleep on bed with my husband. 

Anger, Anxiety and resentment

Oh this feeling..this is the feeling that will make you feel tired, lonely, alone, sad and scared.

Imagine this.. you are tired, still recovering from one of the biggest trauma ever, lacking of sleep, head pounding and your body is in need of rest but you just can't have it and you need to function well in order to be able to feed your lil one every 1.5 hour to 2 hours, clean after him and then feed yourself day in day out. TOUGH!

I was soon filled with anger, anxiety and resentment.  

I felt like my husband wasn't helping...my mom was just extra burden. No one understand how i felt... everyone was just adding to the stress.  

I wanted my husband to be around more and be involved more..  but the truth is.. he wasn't and could not. Wasn't helping because he had to go back to work and i felt it was so unfair. I am left all alone to be with Liam and handling all his needs on my own.. he couldn't help much because let's face it.. he doesn't have a pair of jug for my son to latch on..the bar is me and only me in town.

Mom was the traditional mom when it comes to after birth care and  never experienced colicky baby... the assumption of MAYBE it is what you eat that hurt him, DO NOT eat this, DO NOT drink that, DO NOT do this.. DO not go out... this add to all the hurt, confusion and wound that i am already feeling. i was suffocating but i can't do anything about it. I was as lost as a kite without the string, i wanted to scream and tell her to stop, stop all this assumption.. but i could not bring myself to do it. I respect my mom and love her to bits that i just could not hurt her.. i was so worried that i would be anak derhaka at the end. being ungrateful daughter is not what i was taught to be. So i bite the bullet and kept on. 

and when evening creeps in...so is my anxiety.... i think of  the long hours of cries..long hours of pacifying Liam... long hours of walking and singing .... and still lacking of sleep and rest. 

DARK THOUGHTS

Then the scary thoughts started coming in pretty strong. The one that at the time i wouldn't dream of telling anyone. The ones that still makes me sick in my stomach. 

I will tell you... 

I will never in a million year would want to hurt Liam or put him in any danger or harm way......

I never would want to end my life.......

But when the dark thoughts comes in.... this is my darkest thought.. they float in my head. It sometimes gets so strong .. it scare the hell out of me...never would i want to hurt my son..my only son and never would i want to end my life ..but you see.. this is POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION FOR YOU... it turns you to someone else... someone who is not you... you know it's not you but you can't help it... you can't control it.. it just come and sit on you like a dark clouds... super heavy dark clouds and you just pray that the dark clouds will be blown away ASAP. 

I HATE MYSELF FOR IT.. HOW CAN I THINK OF THIS THOUGHT??  i would cry and be so angry again.

I get angry at everything and everyone ( hub and mom in my case) .. but the truth is.. i am angry at myself for feeling the way i feel and have this thought.. i asked myself.. why can't i get a grip of myself? I know myself.. i know i would never do this hurtful thing.. but why am i feeling like this? Why do i even think about it..i am awful mom....

I remember it got so bad at one point.. i left home and Liam to mom and stayed in the hotel a night.. i needed the time alone.. i needed the time away from all the negativity.. i needed to feel like myself again... be normal.. i crave to be normal again... and this was the only way i could think of... to be alone. 

unfortunately this act i did.. haunt me till now... my husband do not understand why i did what i did... he still says i run away from my responsibility. I wish sometimes.. husbands goes thru what we mom goes thru..then maybe..just maybe they will understand how it feels like. 

HELPLESS

Month of Sept to nov was the toughest month for me... I was stressed out, i was sick non stop, i was in desperate need to get out of the rut ... the feeling of helpless, lost, angry, resentment , all alone and lonely. 

I was worried about my job, i was worried on how i am as a mom.. i was constantly feeling guilty,lost, confused  i was OVERWHELMED..... 

With having not much help, people to speak to or who could really understand my situation.. i decided to stop working. I can't leave Liam , i can't rewind the time... what is the only way i can do to take charge of my life again i asked myself.  WORK.. WORK is the only thing that i could control that time...Stop updating my page, not working out..stop overwhelming myself with everything. 

Lights, i see them ...

I started spending time with Liam..i was scare and nervous to be honest with you. I still think that i am the crappiest mom ever but i told myself..i got to do this. I need to feel connected to my son... i am craving for it ... i know i am. 

So month of Dec till March... it was me and liam time.. i sometimes get to do things that makes me happy and alive.. my paintings.. 

To my surprise, i am tired but i am grounded, i am sane and i can think straight.. the dark thoughts does not linger anymore in my head... i am starting to feel like myself again.. i am much happier and in better place. 

If i could turn back time...this is what i would do. 

1- Hire a Confinement lady to care for me during my first 1 month of post natal. Less stress i think.

2- Prep myself better and do a reality check all the time.

3- not overwhelmed myself with work.

4- take the stride of being a mom one step at a time.. 

5- communicate better with my husband on how i really want his help 

6- Have my mom to chill a lil with being a super grandma. 

7- Talk... Talk to anyone.. Let it all out and not afraid of being judge.... because POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION IS REAL and it is not JUST THE HORMONES it's wayyyy bigger than that!

I do still get sad, hurt when i think of my first few months of life as a mom...how disconnected i was with everything... but today there is a sense of hope and new freedom in my brain and i hope when the dark clouds ever comes back.. i hope and pray that i know how to handle them better. 

To all the moms out there, please do know that you are not alone. Reach out.. Speak out and do not be afraid. If someone judge you.. let them fool be. You just be strong and go from strength to strength for you, your lil one and family.

Love,

Em

My birth story

My birth story.

The story that almost everyone that i know wanted to know but i have been keeping it silent. I didn't have the strength to share it.. emotionally and mentally. I wasn't ready.

He was born 1st March... my water broke at 5:30am..i could not believe it was happening. I was nervous but excited at the same time. Finally i get to meet my lil man.

On my way to the hospital, we stopped at mcdonald for my morning breakfast.. sempat lagi, LOL!

I was admitted at 7am.. Doc came and start her routine check. I was dilated at 2cm, my son was still floating and has a cord wrapped around his neck.  I was advice if he doesn't engaged by 11am , i will be induce. My heart sank.. cos i didn't want any intervention for this pregnancy. No pain killer, not wanting to be induced..everything was to be natural.

But i guess, my lil boy has his own plan on how he wants to enter the world. Like everyone says.. we can  plan but at the end of the day .. we just have to go with the flow when it comes to pregnancy journey.

Throughout the hour, i was having massive contractions but still no signs of him coming down and engaging. 11am came by, with heavy heart..i accepted the injection. Again doctor advice, by 5:30pm if he still is floating, i will have to go into operation theater.  I was nervous, sad but hopeful. With that, i was even more determine to do what i know to encourage him to engaged. Jon and i did everything, every single exercise that we know to help our boy. We both exercised, did our squat, breathing, dance...everything and anything to encourage the lil one inside.

5:30pm came...Doctor came, checked on me ... 2cm and still floating.. i was sad. Doc asked us to consider Emergency C sect..after much discussion with Jon and my doc.. at the end, i said yes to the procedure...

Feeling scared, nervous, not knowing what will come .. i was pushed into the OT floor.  They prepared me for my epidural procedure and operation. I hate needles... injection is one of my fear.. my BIGGEST fear... so you can imagine how nerve wrecking it was for me. I had Jon, 2 nurses and the anesthetic to help me, trying to calm me down and distract me.  I am so glad, it was over in less than 10 mins. To be honest, my anesthetic was so good, i didn't even feel the needle going into my spine! Not a pinch..

By the time i was in the theater, i was half awake, half asleep.

It was weird experience for me. It felt like i was floating, i know what is happening around me, i can hear the doctors but i don't feel nothing. All i felt was coldness..i was shivering,

My poor husband panic when he saw me slowly drifting.. closing my eyes.. he kept asking me to stay awake, stay with him. I could hear him calling the anesthetic for help.

I was awaken by the scream of my baby boy, met him briefly and i am back into my slumber land.

1 hour later, i was wheeled to the ward, back to my king and my prince charming.

It wasn't how i planned my birth to be but i am blessed. I am blessed with a healthy baby boy, blessed with a loving husband who was always by my side and most importantly..blessed that we three made it!

 Liam - 2 months old. 

Greatest Gift- Love

Dear Son,

Till my dying breathe, i will treasure this moment and will hold it so close to my heart.

I can't describe the feeling how wonderful and perfect that magical day was for both of us.We had the perfect little wedding we wanted (aside from the crazy humid heat) . Celebrating the day full of Joy, Happiness, Blessing and most of all LOVE from everyone!

This video of Dad singing our favorite song which was also our first dance together as husband and wife still makes me tears till today.

For me, this video captured all the important bits of the night. 

Having to see how supportive and welcoming my family and friends towards Dad meant so much to me. Singing along, supporting him just showed me that Dad was loved by everyone since the day he walks into my life. Not any man can do that my son... your dad is very special man! 

I hope you will grow up to be like your Dad. Courageous, Fearless, Funny, Gently, loving and very respectful man among other qualities he has in him. 

Growing, living life and learning from Dad is the greatest blessing and love i receive everyday my son. 

Our Love

L is for Laughter we have along the way

O is for Optimism you gave me everyday

V is for Value being my best friend

E is for Eternity, a love without an end.

-John Peter-

First Trimester- The Hormonal Mom

Yes my title says it all.. the hormonal mom!

I now have a new profound respect to all the moms out there..i don't know they can remain calm, composed and well energize in the first trimester. I do know that everyone have very different pregnancy experience but my oh my i thought i could handle mine well. HOW WRONG WAS I?

This is the time where everything got real... I had to stop teaching/training clients  and completely stopped doing any form of workout because i just do not have the energy. Mentally and Physically.

Before pregnancy, i always have this imagination that i would be this upbeat person due to my active lifestyle.. SECOND TIME WRONG! Little did i know, my first trimester .. i become someone i am not.

They said, working out makes you feel happy, energize and will have a positive outlook of life. Oh, this is soooo true before pregnancy ...so much so i thought it would stay throughout my first trimester! THIRD TIME WRONG!

Goodness me!

I struggled.. i really struggled! I struggle with not understanding what is happening with me. What is happening in me, why i am feeling the way i am and why i am acting the way i am.

From being super active, fun and bubbly person to someone who just want to sleep, tired and moody. I could not accept the fact that suddenly my body just do not want to cooperate with me. My head says get up and get moving but my heart says no..SLEEP and just SLEEP!

How i reacted to all of it?

I cried, i got angry, confused, demotivated, sensitive, lost and almost depressed. I was emotional..  the only person who can pacify me was my husband, he was my comfort/safety blanket and  yet at the same time he was also my emotional punching bag..poor husband. I would be so upset whenever he would come home late from work.. even if it's only 15mins.  At that time...15 mins was like FOREVER! This sudden feeling of  being so clingy is another new discovery i had to deal with! OH THE EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER...

HEAVING! 

Then comes the heaving every morning...OMG! That was one tough HIIT TRAINING! My abs and throat... BURNS! I can spend 5 mins squatting on the floor at toilet bowl yet nothing would come out of me!  I don't know if heaving is considered as morning sickness but gosh it's terrible! And if it is considered as morning sickness.. trust me.. it does not just happens in the morning..it happens at any time of the day and out of the blue! Sometimes i am so worried i might offend someone with my sudden "desire" to heave while walking pass them! Throughout my first trimester, i only vomited my guts out 3 times  but i think i prefer that then heaving! I find it less painful. :(

Food aversion:

I'm lucky, real lucky.. only Coffee, banana and steak. although this was something i would take everyday when i was super active,  and food that i am not a big fan of before pregnancy was the only food i wanna eat during my first trimester. CARBS! Carbs was my best friend.. morning, lunch and dinner.

I remember whenever i have my meal, my mother would look at me with amazement.. she would often tell me.. when i was conceiving your sister and brother,  i could not even eat as much as you...more often i would throw up or just not eat at all. But i am totally the opposite of my mom.. in fact i only gained 3 kg in my first 3 months! With that amount of carbs.. i am surprised i did not balloon up!

I'M COLONIZED WITH GROUP B STREPTOCOCCUS!! 

On top of all the hormonal changes and moodiness, i had swab test done and result came back that i am colonized with Group B streptococcus ( Strep B ) and Yeast infection,Gosh!!! I was miserable.. i was worried sick about my Strep B infection.. the last thing a first time mom want to hear is that you are infected with Strep B! Oh the stress of the unfamiliar bacteria and to know that there isn't much you can do except taking antibiotic ( 5 days course) and really hope and pray that by 35th week it will be gone ( that's when the second test will be taken) not very comforting.

What is Strep B?

Group B strep (GBS) is a kind of bacteria that many people harbor in their intestinal tracts. The bacteria may also inhabit (or "colonize") your vagina as well, and be passed on to your baby during labor and birth.

Approximately 10 to 30 percent of pregnant women carry GBS in the vagina or rectum or surrounding area. While GBS is generally harmless in healthy adults, it may cause stillbirth and serious infections in babies.

My heart dropped when i heard  STILLBIRTH word from the Doc!  

For more details- you can read more info of strep b here

I pray that by the 35th week.. i am clean from Strep B. 

I regretted taking loads of antibiotic. You see back in  2015 due to my first bronchitis attack, i was prescribes with tonnes of antibiotic by 2 different GP! I had good 3 weeks of antibiotic cycle! One of them gave me a very strong antibiotic and prescribed it to me wrongly..she overdosed me with antibiotic! I only found out about this when i went to my 3rd clinic and it was a CHILDREN CLINIC! The doc informed me that the last antibiotic prescribed to me was a very strong antibiotic which should be taken only once a day... but that previous Doc prescribed it to me 2x a day for good 7 days!! GENIUS! 

 Anyways, lesson learned, antibiotic will always be my last resort now. I rather not have them if it isn't necessary and according to the respiratory specialist i met today, ( yes, i am currently suffering my 2nd bronchitis attack) you can go without taking ANTIBIOTIC specially when it is treatable with just a simple symbicort puff and flumicol... 

Ahh life... You always learning and learned. So there you go peeps.. my first trimester story for you.

One thing for sure, i am super grateful to God that my husband is one understanding,patience and loving gentleman. With all the ups and downs and the drama he has to put up during my first trimester, i now realized having a supportive husband is VERY VERY IMPORTANT not only for both of us but also the development of our baby!

A man don't need to be a superhero to be a good husband, but just be as understanding, patience and loving as he can be to the wife no matter how tough it gets during pregnancy. Just remember, she will and is going through a lot during this period... creating a life and carrying a lil human inside is really one heck of a job!

Me at my 13th week journey 

The news - Our miracle

Dear Son,

When dad and mom got together, i told dad that i want to have children/s with him but i have my concern then..you see, mommy thought mommy could not conceived because during my first marriage conceiving was a never a success.... but your Dad being the most hopeful and positive man i have ever met said to me: you are one healthy woman, who exercise and eat right, you will and are able to conceived. Remember the most important thing is...we have each other, we love and respect one another.. if we are blessed to have a baby it would be our lil miracle and big huge blessing from God but if not, we have each other at the end of the day.

That's your dad son... a very calm, patience, kind, loving and responsible husband. We are lucky to have him!

Before the good came the not so happening news...

I did my first pregnancy test in end June.. mommy was so excited about this test because for some reason..i somehow was convince i am already pregnant. Some weird symptom was happening with me.. first symptom was the constant need to PEE! Told Dad about it... he told me... I might just have bladder infection! ( What a joy killer dad was!) Anyway,  i went to pharmacy and bought the most expensive pregnancy test kit ever just cause i was so convinced i am pregnant..hmmm

Before i took the test.. Only God knows how excited and nervous i was but it came out NEGATIVE! I was sad... and even more convince i could not conceived. I tried to be as positive as i could.. but sadness fills my heart to be honest and i guess dad saw the sign, understood it and said.. just relax..it will happen if it's meant to be.. i am strong and healthy man.. Nothing can stop my soldiers from doing it's job .. that thousand soldiers will find it's way.. you just wait and see!
(Don't worry son, you will produce these tiny soldiers yourself too!)

So days goes by and mommy continue living the life that i know, being healthy and fit. But for some reason, i kept getting this tingly feeling that i am pregnant. The one sign that really got me was while i was working out that one particular morning ...i suddenly felt sick, nausea and almost vomited and i had to slow down and go easy on my workout.

But because it was negative at first test.. i thought i was sick and again convinced that what dad said ( bladder infection) was real!

Anyway, I did not go to the doc to check the so called bladder infection..but instead i went and bought another pregnancy test kit (almost bought ovulation test kit as well).. this time.. i bought the guardian test kit! Thought to myself.. at least if it shows negative,  i would have not waste that much of money as a consolation from another sad news.. LOL!

IT'S POSITIVE! 

On 5th of July..i was bound to fly to Portland for Nike Global Master trainer training.. few hours before the flight.. i decided to take the test for the second time just to be sure of the test.

Son, it was the longest 5 minutes wait for me! And when the result came out... i was speechless and confused... i just could not believe the test result... It says POSITIVE! I mean how could that be when a week the test was negative and i was using the most reliable test kit in the market and on the box it even says i can find out the result as early as 10 days before my next period! And it clearly said NEGATIVE. . By then, i thought i was delusional and must be dreaming . I even thought to myself i'm just seeing double line because i so wanted to be pregnant!

I kept checking on the test kit and read the test kit instruction over and over again.. it took mommy nearly an hour to finally pick my handphone and text mommy's best friend, Aunty Cindy and when she said...OMG!! YOU ARE PREGNANT!! IT'S DOUBLE LINES! I said, are you sure?!


4:15pm on the way to airport...in the middle of highway.. 

I told dad the news and heard i said " You are dead!"

He was so confused and looked at me and said..Why did you say so??

I  got confused with his reaction and replied:  well i don't think this two lines says it's negative! ( showing him the test kit) It says we are pregnant, i am sure of it! You are gonna be a dad!

He pulled over to the emergency lane very quickly ( Thank goodness the highway wasn't busy) Dad was so excited and  LAUGHED OUT LOUD non stop for good 30 sec!!

Mommy's reaction: Confused!

When he finally stopped laughing, i asked is that a happy or nervous laughter?? Dad replied of cos i'm HAPPY.. this is what we wanted and we got it! I told you, you are healthy and my soldier will do it's job! We both laughed!

Now while writing this, you are 18 weeks coming into 19 weeks in my belly my love...a healthy 18/19 weeks baby boy!

You are our pride and joy. A testament of love,a miracle and a blessing from God.

This is your first picture at 6 weeks old in mom's belly! You are about the size of a LENTIL :D

How it all begin - THE SURPRISE!

I know this is a lil late but better than never.

I have been meaning to write a journal on my pregnancy but life has taken over for a bit on me. 

So today i thought i should really push myself to start this.. if not i will never start. So my first write up will be how this whole journey begin..

Dear Son, 

We want you to know that you were brought into this world with full of love, courage and fairy-tale kinda love story and you are our biggest miracle!

We both have traveled a long journey to find each other. We once thought we have found our soul mate but it wasn't the case. We ended up living a single life again  and thought we will never find our one true love and soulmate till that night on the 14/3/2016. It still gives us butterflies in our tummy whenever we think about it now.. how magical and crazy it was..LOL!

You see, mommy is a personal trainer and dad is an athlete. He loves triathlon and would train really hard to improve his timing and techniques. Mommy's personal training service was recommended to dad by one of our mutual friend and so dad contacted me  to find out more about my personal training services and program. How i can help dad to improve with his triathlon skills. This was all done via phone call and that's how this whole journey started. 

2 weeks after our first conversation, we agreed to meet up personally for first time at a restaurant called Leonardo's with the hope that we will be able to agree and start our first training session soonest. 

We had such a lovely evening that night. We spoke and talked about fitness stuff,  both of our fitness background and experiences so far in life.. it was such a lively conversation.. we instantly clicked and felt so comfortable with each other. To mommy, dad was such a gentleman, soft spoken, kind hearted and means no harm ( mom have met  potential clients with nasty intention before..so mommy is very wary of male client)  and to dad,  mom was a kind soul, full of life, who live life simple.  :)

Fast forward,5 hours into the meeting... Dad pops the question and mom reacted with disbelief and called dad a nutso, LOL! Still shocked at the whole sudden big question, mommy said give me 1 month.. Dad took that as a positive sign.. He said at least i did not say, NO! 

Dad's second question was : Would you move in with me? Again, i nearly had a heart attack with Dad's question.. this time i  was sure dad is crazy and was really playing a prank on me..but i stayed calm ( acting calm although i was really panicking and wondering what is happening here) I said to him calmly , i will only move in when you have met my parents. ( Mom though this question would scare dad away and at same time stop him from asking me crazy question, but what dad says next just confused and surprised me even more) He said : OK, let's buy the flight ticket. Shall we get it for this weekend?! I was at lost of words.. in panic mode i said.. no! Give me 3 weeks! We go back in 3 weeks time and the rest was history.  

19/3/2016 - We got my wedding band and engagement ring. Dad did not waste his time.. the ring was on my finger the same day! 

1/4/2016 - We made our way back to Sandakan to get mommy's parents blessing and we finally announce it publicly. 

5/4/2016- We found our perfect venue for our intimate wedding ceremony. Langkah Syabas at kinarut was our choice.  11/6/2016 - Was the date chosen to have the wedding reception.

7/6/2016- We are officially and legally bound as husband and wife in the eyes of law! YEAY!!!!

11/6/2016- Wedding party of our life! It was celebrated with full of love with close friends and families around us.

This is our love story ... our crazy whirlwind fairytale love story my son... We love you even before you were born.. We can't wait to have you with us, to hold and to love you even more! 

When i think of my past

Nothing can compare

with how my life turned out now

You've taught me the freedom of love

Given me a reason to go on and live

You've loved me because i am who i am

The doubts i once had long gone away

Allowing love to blossom in their place

into something that is spiritual,even divine.

God has brought us together

And i am glad that you're mine

and better yet i am yours

In my heart, it is a heavenly plan

For us to spend life together

No matter where it may lead

For God has stepped into our lives

He is the one who knows best

Blessing our lives as we know it. 

Antoinette Mcdonald- God's Plan